Saturday, January 18, 2014

Am I in the right path ?


Just a random thought. Yesterday I was so down because I wasn't able to complete my homework on my own. And these thoughts keep going in my head, " Why states ?" "why I'm here stuck with my homework ?" , "why is it so hard to complete this task? ", "why I'm so stupid?" and the list goes on. Sometimes, I really feel like I don't fit in here. Correction, most of the time actually. Rasa homesick, rasa nak balik tolong mama masak cekodok kat rumah. Benda ni macam sequence. It started with tak boleh buat homework, ask for someone's help, then my tutor was having a difficult time to teach me and then start fikir bukan bukan. I feel bad about myself. For choosing this course when I know nothing about programming. It's like I'm torturing myself to get into the level that I already know I couldn't achieve.

This self-destruct thing is taking its toll on me. I fell into depression. Frankly speaking, most of the people who's taking this course has already experienced Java or other programming languages. But not me. In class, these students asked things that beyond the syllabus and I feel so stupid for not understanding what on earth they were asking. It is possible for people like me to survive this course, but it's hard. I have to start from scratch and catch up to be in the same pace with my classmates. That's hard. Belajar Java bukan macam belajar cara nak buat kek batik.

I was thinking of changing my major, but realized I'm not good in any of those engineering disciplines either. So yesterday was the climax of this pathetic drama. I can tell that my tutor was getting tired with my stupidity. I'm not blaming him though because he's trying hard to teach me. It's me who is also cannot tolerate my own stupidity, losing faith in myself. I don't mind if other people lose their faiths in me. Tapi bila mana sendiri dah tak yakin dengan diri sendiri untuk survive my four years of undergraduate studies, that's really something that I need to figure out the hows and whys. Tak pernah rasa down macam ni, rasa nak pack suitcase balik Malaysia right away.

I'm going to Michigan to meet my girls tomorrow, couldn't stand being in this gloomy-demotivated-homesick state. I wanna reset myself this weekend and come back with a new version of Ili,hopefully.  

1 comment:

  1. Be strong ily !
    Tiap kali rasa susah, orang selalu cakap

    "Kau kena ingat ramai lagi yang lebih susah, kenapa dia boleh buat? kenapa tidak kau ?"

    Bukan aku nak down kan kau, tapi kalau minta nasihat orang biasanya dia cakap macam tu.
    Dalam hidup ni semua benda susah. Semua benda kena buat sendiri. Nak pandai pun sendiri usaha baru boleh. And aku rasa kau boleh buat, cuma Tuhan belum tunjuk jalan lebih mudah.
    Rasa susah akan berbaloi, kalau kejayaan datang berduyun duyun (wah,hiperbola pulak)

    Satu je ily kena ingat, Tuhan belum datangkan keselesaan untuk kau.
    Sabar dan tempuh.



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